there is a time of night that I really hate. its the hours spent alone with only my inner thoughts and believe me when I say that right now they are NOT good.
I so don't need to be alone right now but I have no choice. I have no one to talk to. no one at all. I want to cry and scream and rage at the night I want to be held and told that I will not lose the greatest part of me. the phrase better half is so apt that I fear I will be broken and incomplete at a time in my life that I will never recover from. my heart cant take this kind of damage.
i'm supposed to "keep it together" to put on my game face at work and pretend nothing matters except making them happy.
a thunderous WHY?! rings through my head constantly along with the cacophony of self recriminations, accusations, doubts, and thoughts too horrific to share.
I hate this time of night.
I hate myself.
I hate what this feels like.
I don't hate her. even after all of this. I still love her. oh my god how I love her. will she ever understand this?
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